Uhh.. You Need to Get Pregnant.. Like Now!

   .. Those were the exact words of the OBGYN that did my surgery a little over a month ago. My last post I mentioned I was experiencing a lot of intense cramping that I thought was from ovulation. Well the pain came back again.. so I thought unless I was ovulating randomly off and on for a few days, perhaps I should call the doctor and see what he has to say. I did just that and was seen and examined in his office the next day. He examined me and told me I was still healing but upon feeling both ovaries from the inside.. he pushed down on my right ovary and I screamed.. yes.. I screamed. Not too proud of myself for that one.. and my sweet boy was laying beside me in his carseat taking a nap and didn't even flinch. He told me he was pretty sure I had yet another cyst.. but on my right side this time. Really??? I mean.. didn't we just have surgery to remove a large cyst on my other ovary? This was not explained to me!! As far as I knew, my right ovary was my good ovary and I have had only one cyst on that ovary.. a couple years back. Anyways.. he told me, "you need to get pregnant, like now" You had a strong ovulation this cycle (YAY!! This has never happened to me before without the lovely addition of femara) and you  need to take advantage of it while it lasts.. well thanks doc for having such faith in my reproductive system! Ha! He also said it would probably take quite a while to conceive again.. tell me something I don't know.. its not like I haven't been through this once before. With all this being said.. B is gone away on military orders so its just been me and my sweet boy and fur babies. My poor baby has  been suffering with bad tummy issues and bad reflux issues so sleep has been kind of non-existent.. after multiple nights of no sleep, sleep deprivation starts to take a toll on your body, not only physically but emotionally. A couple of days ago, after yet another sleepless night.. I decided right then and there that there would be no more children in the future. I even text B that we were never ever having children again, I couldn't handle it. He responded with that I was just tired and he would be home soon.. he knows me very well and was probably thinking I was close to losing it ;) I even had thoughts in my mind that the doctor could go ahead and just take all of my lady parts because I was done with all of this!  I laugh at all of this because the next day after having actually slept the night before.. my feelings were obviously very different. Fear is really getting to me though.. fear of not being able to handle the possibility of having 2 kids close together.. especially while B is away on deployments. But at the same time, I have a dr telling me not to postpone trying for another any longer.. what to do, what to do.. TTC again has actually almost lost its appeal to me, not only because my 7 1/2 month old has digressed back to the sleeping patterns of a newborn and we are in the midst of moving and life is complete chaos right now.. but also because I feel forced.. TTC is supposed to be an exciting thing to look forward to. I think I need to just realize that this TTC journey will be different than the TTC journey of conceiving our sweet boy..  Before B left a month ago we had pretty much agreed on taking the same approach to conceiving #2 just as we did with Eli.. I don't think that will be happening. After praying and praying about this night after night, I feel that God is leading me to leave things in his hands.. so I think a wait and see approach. I believe if we end up conceiving on our own and I am actually able to carry it to term.. then it all happened for a reason. So while I still have fear, I know that whether we conceive within the next few months or if takes years or doesn't even happen at all again for us, it will all work out.. God does not give us more than we can handle.

Misbehaving ovaries.. or behaving ovaries..

  A couple of days ago I had the most intense cramping and left side pain I think I have ever had.. well except for when I was doing fertility treatments. I am assuming I had my first ovulation since the surgeries. I mean.. think about it.. an egg bursting through raw just cut on ovarian tissue.. yeah I think that would hurt.  Even though the pain seriously sucks.. if it was in fact from ovulation, then I am now having a strong ovulation on my own, without meds! That makes me so, so, so very happy! While I could have dealt without the pain, especially since the hubs is away on a TDY right now and I am the primary caregiver of my 7 month old right now.. it was a welcomed pain! While I wanted to just lay on my couch or in a hot bath all day long, it wasn't an option. I then started thinking back to before I had Eli and how I handled my pain then.. sure I was able to just lay around and not have to tend to a needy screaming baby, but I wouldn't trade this for anything. I spent many of nights praying and praying for God to give me a sweet miracle to grow inside me.. and here I am. So very blessed. So while the pain sucks, it is a reminder that its a great thing and maybe, just maybe we can conceive #2 on our very own in the near future :)

You Just Don't Get It..

  There is nothing more frustrating to me than people who don't understand or just flat out don't care to understand something. I remember as I was growing up I was told my debilitating cramps, nausea, leg pain, and back pain were all just a normal part of my cycle.. just to get over it. So I did, I learned to live with it.. no big deal.. every month I would just lay in a fetal position close to the bathroom just in case my nausea turned into full blown throwing up. I honestly thought these were just normal symptoms every woman had every month until she reached menopause. I remember a dr in particular that I went to and was told that perhaps I just have a low pain tolerance and my low pain tolerance was leading to my nausea/GI side effects every month. Uhm no.. if I can labor without any pain meds for 12 hours, I don't think my pain tolerance is that low that I can't handle regular menstrual cramps.. just a  thought. Every month when I didn't want to go out with friends or really do much of anything except lay on the couch with my heating pad and tylenol my self esteem would suffer.. I would always think in the back of my mind that my friends must really think I am the biggest baby.. after all they all have cycles each month and don't just lay around the whole time with the heating pad by their side. I often thought my husband would think I was just making this all up.. I remember my husband telling me one time.. "I have been around many women in my life.. none acted like you do when this time comes" It all really bothered me and I would try my best to act 'normal' and like there was nothing wrong. I remember I had a job interview one morning.. unfortunately I had started my cycle just hours before the job interview. I was in extreme pain and severely nauseous.. it was all I could do to get in my car and drive to the interview, then I had to sit in a chair and wait for what seemed like forever until I was finally called back. I couldn't sit still for anything in that chair.. I remember the secretary asked me at least three times if I was okay.. I nodded my head yes and put a smile on my face and said I was great, just a little nervous.. but really inside I was screaming and crying wanting to be in a hot bath or laying on my couch with my heating pad

  So when I was given the diagnosis, it was almost like I was being freed of some of this. I finally had a really good reason for the way I was feeling. I wasn't just feeling regular cramps and symptoms, I have endo implants that bleed each month on different organs that cause severe pain and inflammation.. they bleed each month just like the normal tissue does in the uterus. I think if any one had ectopic uterine tissue on organs that bleed and then adhere to one another, they would be complaining too. So it turns out I am not the biggest baby that ever lived, I am not crazy, and there are other women out there that I  can relate to, I call these my endo 'cysters'. They help keep me sane and give me hope about the future and treatment options available. I know this isn't the worse thing that could possibly ever happen to me and I am blessed for the areas I am healthy in, but I don't see anything wrong with venting once in a while and talking to others that have this disease. It's a disease that is either unknown or poorly understood.. and of course, there are those ignorant people who just choose to believe that endo isn't really a disease, its just bad menstrual cramps once in a while that certain women can't handle. While right now there is no cure for it.. not even a hysterectomy.. I think the more it is openly talked about and the more people are educated on it.. the better off everyone will be; the endo sufferers themselves as well as the friends/family of those that have the disease.

When Time is Ticking..

  I hear it all the time.. "oh you have plenty of time to have more children, you started early.. you have all the time in the world" or how about this one.. " your eggs should be plentiful and perfect at 23, you have nothing to worry about" or I love this one.. " why don't you wait quite a while before you even think about having another one" Let me tell you people: when you have endo, time is not in your favor.  I am so very blessed to have met my amazing husband and that we started trying for our family right away.. I don't even want to think about what would happen if we would have waited a few years to even think about trying for a baby. I get asked over and over by people about when I am going to start my career.. Trust me people, I know very well I worked my butt off all through high school and college to have the career of my dreams. Some people think I wasted all of that time and should have finished school before I even thought about having a child. It gives me so much happiness to tell these people that I have almost completed my bachelor's degree.. it may have taken me 5 years to do so, but its almost done. I think I am accomplishing a huge feat.. finishing a degree is hard.. let alone being pregnant in the middle of it and then raising a child and at times raising the child alone.. not to mention moving and supporting my husband 100% in his military career. I will be graduating this fall and while most people would be going out to look for a full time job right after graduation.. I am going to be starting the whole TTC process all over again. I am excited and feel blessed that I learned about this disease and the toll it has and is continuing to take on my body.. my degree will always be there, my ability to become a mother again will not. I believe my first priority and most important job in this world is to be the mother God has called me to be. In the future, I fully plan on working and living my second dream.. working as a health educator educating others on the topics of maternal and neonatal health. If TTC again doesn't work out for us, I will accept that and remember how blessed I really am every time I look at my smiling, healthy, and happy sweet boy.

Post Surgical Report

   Let me just say this, the people who tell you that laps don't hurt, they are no big deal, and you will be back to yourself in a few days.. that is a LIE! I found that it took close to two weeks before I felt like myself.. granted I also had a hysteroscopy and D&C in addition to the lap. And yeah, its not major surgery.. not major surgery until they go burning and cutting on all of your reproductive organs and colon! Tips for anyone having a lap: stick to easy to digest foods for a couple days post surgery, drink pear juice to keep things 'regular', take your prescribed pain medicine or Tylenol Extra Strength (I chose to not take my Lortab as I don't like how narcotics make me feel) and don't rush or push your body. Also.. don't lift heavy things for a couple weeks. I lifted my 6 month old who weighs close to 17 lbs and tore my stitches out of one of my incisions. Lesson learned.

  At my post op appt the Dr briefly went over with me and my husband of his findings and the prognosis and treatment options. He basically told us we had three options: 1. Try and get pregnant again ASAP. 2. Go on Lupron shots. 3. If we didn't want any more children, to have a hysterectomy. As I mentioned previously, we have a 6 month old.. trying to get pregnant again right away seemed like the last thing I wanted to do right now.. the Lupron shots I was told have terrible side effects that can persist even after you stop taking it, and a hysterectomy was an absolute "no way, are you kidding me?!" It is really unfair the decisions that people with this terrible disease have to make.. try and have another child right away and have them close together or not try for a while and risk never being able to have another child. My husband and I left the office in a shock and just didn't really know what to do. I prayed and prayed over what to do, I asked God to show me a sign or guide me in the direction He wanted for me. I don't really think I knew my answer until we were driving in the car one day and excitement hit me.. I went from scared/nervous to trying for another baby soon to being excited. I was immediately filled with joy and excitement at the thought of possibly having a new life growing inside me by the end of the year and giving Eli a playmate. My husband is military and is away at training right now while I am here alone with Eli 12 hrs away from any family and friends.. this just reinforces the thinking that I can handle another baby and I am excited! While we won't be trying for another few months as we are in the moving process, I can't wait to start telling my story of TTC #2! We originally thought about trying to get pregnant on our own, without the use of fertility meds.. we were told I would never be able to sustain a pregnancy given my egg quality.. but I wanted to give it one more try since we have had this surgery. After debating and going over my surgical report.. we have decided to go ahead and seek the help of a Dr and our wonderful friends Femara and Ovidrel.. whether it happens the first time and Eli and baby #2 are 18 months apart or if it takes a year or more.. it will all happen in God's timing and it will be the PERFECT timing. I am so excited for October, in the mean time I am going to continue to enjoy every single minute with the miracle I already have.. my sweet boy, Eli.

A Crazy Journey through Infertility, Endometriosis, Loss, and Finally Conceiving my Miracle

    I decided to create this blog as a way for me to share my story and journey through the evils of endo and infertility, but also to give other women struggling with these issues hope and to chronicle my journey through all of this.

    I'll start by saying I have had reproductive issues for as long as I can remember. I always had ovarian cysts, extremely painful and long cycles, and terrible GI side effects with each cycle. I really thought I was completely normal and that was just a part of my cycle, that was how it would be. When I was 20 things really started to get worse, endometriosis was mentioned but since the diagnosis is only made via a lap surgery, I declined each time to have it done. Fast forward a year and a half later, I married the man of my dreams and we immediately started TTC. Given the issues I knew I have always had with my reproductive system I just had a feeling that getting pregnant would prove to be difficult. Indeed it was. We tried for a while and finally went to a dr who again suggested a lap to rule out endo. Once again, I declined. It was then decided to have an u/s to see if I ovulate.. results were in.. ovulation was very poor. I could release an egg, but the egg was not mature and of poor quality. Two weeks after finding that out, to our surprise, we got a positive HPT. We were cautiously excited.. our excitement ended soon after, when we miscarried on Thanksgiving Day. We were heartbroken and I was kind of mad at myself for even getting excited at a positive test when I had been told just a couple weeks before that any egg fertilized would probably not go on to be a viable pregnancy. The Dr told us it was safe to TTC again right away if we wanted to.. we opted to do it. That cycle was negative. The next cycle my Dr suggested an HSG to see if my tubes were blocked.. all came back clear.. no blocked tubes. We again tried, negative. We then took a break for a couple cycles. After negatives and negatives the Dr prescribed me a supraovulation drug, Femara to take on CD 3-7 followed by a HCG trigger shot after an u/s showed sufficient and mature follicles. We did the first round and I produced three follicles.. the Dr wasn't pleased with the results.. that cycle ended negative. We tried again, this time I produced 13 follicles.. the Dr told us if this cycle worked we would be looking at possible twins.. 11 days later I took a test and to my surprise I stared down at two pink lines.. faint, but it was there! I didn't know if it could still possibly be the HCG trigger so I waited to tell my husband. I called the OB office and of course the nurse said it was too early and it was probably the trigger. I tested again the next morning, it was darker... no way could this be the trigger shot still in my system! I told my husband and we were both cautiously optimistic. We prayed and prayed for our little miracle in the making.. I called the Dr office again and to tell them the tests were getting darker.. they called in a script for Progesterone and said to start taking it ASAP. We had our first u/s at 6 weeks and 3 days and learned we were having ONE baby and he/she had a healthy heart rate of 130 bpm! I was over the moon, and so in shock. That pregnancy ended up being viable but not without some bumps in the road.. I had an ornery cervix and dealt with PTL in my 27th week. Our miracle baby that we nicknamed 'snowflake' remained strong and persevered through the pregnancy.. Eli Glenn Jones decided to enter this world on January 7, 2012 at 2:56 pm.

After I gave birth to Eli, my cycles resumed about 8 weeks postpartum and oh were they awful! They were the worse they had ever been. I assumed I just wasn't back to my before prego uterus status. Things got even worse and I went to the Dr where I was diagnosed with a large cyst on my left ovary.. thats no surprise and really no big deal to me. The pain got worse and worse, so much worse I ended up in the ER (on Mother's Day of all days) the ER told me they were almost positive I was having an ectopic pregnancy.. thankfully that was ruled out. I went to the Dr the next day where he suggested I have surgery to remove it.. of course I declined and opted to wait to see if it would go away. I actually sought a second opinion and was told I could take birth control pills to see if it would help.. 2 days into the birth control pills things got a lot worse, so much worse that I decided to schedule the surgery with the other Dr. I had my surgery on June 27, 2012 and they removed a hemorrhagic cyst along with endometriosis on my colon, ligaments supporting my fallopian tubes, cul- de- sac, a polyp in my uterus, and adhesions on my ovary, colon, and pelvic wall.  I finally had my answers for all of the pain with cycles since early adolescence and fertility issues.