Uhh.. You Need to Get Pregnant.. Like Now!

   .. Those were the exact words of the OBGYN that did my surgery a little over a month ago. My last post I mentioned I was experiencing a lot of intense cramping that I thought was from ovulation. Well the pain came back again.. so I thought unless I was ovulating randomly off and on for a few days, perhaps I should call the doctor and see what he has to say. I did just that and was seen and examined in his office the next day. He examined me and told me I was still healing but upon feeling both ovaries from the inside.. he pushed down on my right ovary and I screamed.. yes.. I screamed. Not too proud of myself for that one.. and my sweet boy was laying beside me in his carseat taking a nap and didn't even flinch. He told me he was pretty sure I had yet another cyst.. but on my right side this time. Really??? I mean.. didn't we just have surgery to remove a large cyst on my other ovary? This was not explained to me!! As far as I knew, my right ovary was my good ovary and I have had only one cyst on that ovary.. a couple years back. Anyways.. he told me, "you need to get pregnant, like now" You had a strong ovulation this cycle (YAY!! This has never happened to me before without the lovely addition of femara) and you  need to take advantage of it while it lasts.. well thanks doc for having such faith in my reproductive system! Ha! He also said it would probably take quite a while to conceive again.. tell me something I don't know.. its not like I haven't been through this once before. With all this being said.. B is gone away on military orders so its just been me and my sweet boy and fur babies. My poor baby has  been suffering with bad tummy issues and bad reflux issues so sleep has been kind of non-existent.. after multiple nights of no sleep, sleep deprivation starts to take a toll on your body, not only physically but emotionally. A couple of days ago, after yet another sleepless night.. I decided right then and there that there would be no more children in the future. I even text B that we were never ever having children again, I couldn't handle it. He responded with that I was just tired and he would be home soon.. he knows me very well and was probably thinking I was close to losing it ;) I even had thoughts in my mind that the doctor could go ahead and just take all of my lady parts because I was done with all of this!  I laugh at all of this because the next day after having actually slept the night before.. my feelings were obviously very different. Fear is really getting to me though.. fear of not being able to handle the possibility of having 2 kids close together.. especially while B is away on deployments. But at the same time, I have a dr telling me not to postpone trying for another any longer.. what to do, what to do.. TTC again has actually almost lost its appeal to me, not only because my 7 1/2 month old has digressed back to the sleeping patterns of a newborn and we are in the midst of moving and life is complete chaos right now.. but also because I feel forced.. TTC is supposed to be an exciting thing to look forward to. I think I need to just realize that this TTC journey will be different than the TTC journey of conceiving our sweet boy..  Before B left a month ago we had pretty much agreed on taking the same approach to conceiving #2 just as we did with Eli.. I don't think that will be happening. After praying and praying about this night after night, I feel that God is leading me to leave things in his hands.. so I think a wait and see approach. I believe if we end up conceiving on our own and I am actually able to carry it to term.. then it all happened for a reason. So while I still have fear, I know that whether we conceive within the next few months or if takes years or doesn't even happen at all again for us, it will all work out.. God does not give us more than we can handle.

Misbehaving ovaries.. or behaving ovaries..

  A couple of days ago I had the most intense cramping and left side pain I think I have ever had.. well except for when I was doing fertility treatments. I am assuming I had my first ovulation since the surgeries. I mean.. think about it.. an egg bursting through raw just cut on ovarian tissue.. yeah I think that would hurt.  Even though the pain seriously sucks.. if it was in fact from ovulation, then I am now having a strong ovulation on my own, without meds! That makes me so, so, so very happy! While I could have dealt without the pain, especially since the hubs is away on a TDY right now and I am the primary caregiver of my 7 month old right now.. it was a welcomed pain! While I wanted to just lay on my couch or in a hot bath all day long, it wasn't an option. I then started thinking back to before I had Eli and how I handled my pain then.. sure I was able to just lay around and not have to tend to a needy screaming baby, but I wouldn't trade this for anything. I spent many of nights praying and praying for God to give me a sweet miracle to grow inside me.. and here I am. So very blessed. So while the pain sucks, it is a reminder that its a great thing and maybe, just maybe we can conceive #2 on our very own in the near future :)